Hey little fighter. Things will get brighter soon. You may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have you. You are strong. I know it's so hard to be strong and you don't always have to be. Just try to find joys in little things. When I see all the tragedies in the world, I know none of us are promised tomorrow, so I just try to spread love any.

What is the point? every waking minute the tears would flow down my cheeks. Granted there wasn’t many waking minutes in the early stages. Still today I look back and wonder how I carried on. I didn’t have a life anymore, I had an existence. To me everything had been taken away in the blink of an eye and now all I saw were the same four walls, felt the same pain and dealt with unrelenting suicidal thoughts. There was no definition to a day anymore, no weeks, no months, just another hour, another hour of emptiness. Sleep was my only escape and I just wanted to sleep forever.

I would look at my mum caring for her shell of a daughter and think she did it, she got through it and raised 2 children and had a quality of life. Slowly but surely with more energy came more fight. As soon as I could sit in bed I was determined I wasn’t going to give up on my studies. I kept the demons at bay by writing little poems about how I felt. Sketching when I could, keeping a diary. Can you imagine, no internet, no Netflix, no Sky TV, no social media and no interaction with the world outside. My parents did sign me up for AYME magazine (Association of youth with M.E) so every so often that would come through the post and brighten my day so I would know I wasn’t alone in my battle.

Because this was such a mentally traumatic time I think so much has been wiped from my memory. At some point along the way I decided I couldn’t go back to college but I was not going to give up on my A-Levels. My parents pushed to get me the support I needed from the teachers and in time I had the text books at home and a supply of study material from the college. Slowly but surely I worked through the work, I mean hey I had nothing else to do right?!? I really honestly believe that this decision saved my life however melodramatic it sounds lol. I had to go into college to do my exams but the college were amazing and arranged a private room, extra time and a more supportive chair. By the time I was taking my exams my movement had improved and I was able to go out in a wheelchair for small amounts of time, sit in bed and get to the bathroom by myself.

My grades were not as high as they would of been pre illness but I got enough point to get into my university of choice and that was all that matters. Still to this day I am so proud I didn’t give up. Having something to focus on however small can just spark that tiny fire inside you that hasn’t been extinguished and with that greatness can grow.

June 2002 and I had finished my A-levels but still was no where near well enough to go to university…. So what did I do, took an A-level in a year from bed. I then had A-level Sociology to add to my qualifications.

Everyone is different, everyone copes differently, no chronic illness sufferer is the same as another but from my personal experience when times are hard dig a little deeper because you are tougher.

Look for the tiny positives, focus on what you can achieve because little by little you can and you will make yourself proud. Draw strength from the people that stand by you, focus on their love and not the negative energy of the doubters, the non believers and the people that are too narrow minded to believe all disabilities are visible.

Love and spoons

Sarah

xxxxx

March 25, 2013
Day 5
Hola - Today I woke up and went into work. My coworkers said my face looked 'better' than when they saw me on day 1. I only stayed for a bit, then it was off to my doctor's appt. It was the first time meeting Dr. Lee -- he was terrific! He looked over my cat scan results and said he didn't see anything abnormal other than a few pinched nerves likely resulting from the Bell's. He referred me to the neurologist just in case. I mentioned the constant headaches and ear pain. He checked my ear and saw that it was inflamed, a possible sinus infection. He prescribed me antibiotics (Amoxicillin) and gave me an additional prescription for more 2 more weeks of Prednisone. I also had my blood drawn since I hadn't had a test done recently.
I asked Dr. Lee about returning to work, he said I should relax for at least a week. Staring at a computer monitor or a TV screen may further strain/stress my eye. He thinks I'll be out for a month, but I plan to return next week if I feel better.
I think the swelling in my face has gone down. I am also able to fully close my right eye if I concentrate really hard -- all signs of small improvements, but exciting none the less. I also started reading this great book called 'God Never Blinks' by Regina Brett. It's not so much a story about faith, but rather human emotion. It has taught me to remember Bell's is temporary and that no matter how good or how bad a situation is, it will change. As the author puts it... 'the passage of time heals almost everything. Give time time'and with that, I'm headed to bed - one day closer to recovery. I have posted a few new photos I took today... I shall call them, 'More images of life's little detour' ;) Nighty night.